All the feels & my one word

With the start of the year approaching so many people are focusing on resolutions to start the year off right.  I think it’s great that you can use the start of the year as a fresh start but for me I come to these decisions all throughout the year (many I don’t tend to stick with either).  Right now I want my goals centered on emotional & spiritual growth.

I saw this recently and it really struck a cord.  I’ve been a victim of this so many times but I’ve also been this hater.  Unable to release the pressure of not being who others think I should be but also unable to be happy for others because I was too afraid I couldn’t do that.  Both of these are so ugly but common.

I have routinely declared that I wouldn’t allow myself to be bullied anymore but always seem to find myself falling back into the same behaviors.  I let others expectations for my actions leave me feeling insufficient.  I often feel the disappointment from others on what I chose to do (or more likely not do) affect me deeply and make me reconsider my self worth.  I’ve spent a decade of my life trying to be someone I am not and instead of feeling defeated I want to celebrate the awareness of my true identity.  Enough of the excuses, the apologies, and the emptiness.   This year I vow to be more open, raw, exposed & the truest version of myself.

As I started to come to this realization I was terrified of how to put it into action.  How do I put aside everyone’s expectations and opinions and focus only on my own?  Will I lose people?  Will I fail?  Will I regret my choices?  As these thoughts flooded my mind I realized in the same thought I had already failed at my own attempt to change.   I have to believe in myself to be myself which started to lead me to picking my one word for the year.  I won’t get into that now but my church, PC3, believes in choosing a word of focus for the year and letting God show you his direction for your life.   The word that has caused me the most anxiety and fear is the word I knew was the right one.

Risk.  What a terrifying word for a person who lives in a bubble of security.  I like all my ducks to be in a row and back up plans for my back up plans.  I neglect to remember that priorities change not just in your teens but your 20’s, 30’s, etc.  You are not required to be the person you were yesterday and are entitled to change at any point.  I want this word to force me to get out of my comfort zone – to bet on myself.  To not think that I am not good enough for this or that.  To stop thinking that “content” is okay.  To stop thinking that I can’t go after what it is I truly want.  To not being envious of others for having things I am completely capable of attaining.  To stop needing the approval of others to let me know I’m enough.  To risk being completely 100% myself! To ignore the disappointment from others that I am not who they want me to be.  I want to truly trust God to know that he has plans for me more beautiful than this world does.

I am making this public because this is out of my comfort zone.  This is terrifying and embarrassing to be an adult who is afraid to be herself.  I know that keeping it to myself will not elicit growth.

 

I am not okay with the unknown but I am ready to learn.  I am ready to take a chance on me no matter what the consequences.

Happy New Year!  More to come this year

XO,

Casey

 

 

that time I butchered a delicious muffin recipe

Cooking is something that comes relatively natural.  If I have a recipe of sorts I can pretty much adjust and make things up as I go along.  Baking however, is not my strongest skill set.  I don’t know the difference between baking soda and powder or pastry flour, whole wheat flour, coconut flour, etc.  I am a find a recipe and follow to a T kind of girl – sometimes when I do that I still seem to butcher a recipe.

I wanted to make muffins for Matt recently to take in the mornings.  I wanted to do something with a summer fruit and one with less sugar than most muffins.  This lead me to a recipe for peach muffins (http://www.savorylotus.com/peach-muffins-gluten-grain-nut-free-paleo/).  How perfect right?!

My biggest issue here is not understanding the recipe amounts of peaches.  It called for 1 1/4c which I would have much rather have had in grams because measuring anything that isn’t a dry ingredient in a measuring cup is so tricky.  I probably used WAY too many muffins but I really thought – how could you ever over do the best part of the recipe?

Oh but you can … you so can.

They seemed okay still so I figured okay, I’ll throw them in.

They ended up browning on the top way before the insides were cooked (maybe I should have lowered the temperature).

They were soft and mushy on the inside but super hard on the outside.  The taste was okay but definitely missing something and they were far too full of peaches to hold together.  Crushed up in a yogurt they weren’t bad but definitely not the delicious light summery muffin that I had hoped for.

Better luck next time I suppose?  Any tips?

Post blog note: I’ve redeemed myself with some super basic lemon poppy seed muffins that were more like a pound cake but insanely delicious.

Xo,

Casey